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Big HP

Tonight is the hardest night I have had yet. I am missing Harold so much it is indescribable. I miss him on a level I have never experienced before- and I've done my fair share of long-distance (if you consider hours long distance) relationships, including while Harold and I were dating. Not to mention picking up and moving 1200 miles away from any family or friends. It is a feeling that could be medicated simply with a phone conversation. But I can't call him. I cannot pick up the phone to contact my husband. It is such an awful feeling.

Adding a child to this mix makes everything infinitely worse. Harrison is a constant reminder to me of his father. Everytime he smiles, or learns something new, it just breaks my heart that Harold has to miss it. Running to grab the video camera only soothes me a little bit. I am so grateful that I only have to do this for 6 months- but right now it feels like a lifetime.

The internet in Harold's room isn't working- I had gotten used to being able to chat nightly (before work for him) and not getting that makes a huge difference in my day and my mood. There are so many women in this country going through the same thing that I am- I am even one of the fortunate ones. My husband is behind 15-foot walls and guards- not everyone gets that feeling of security.

I need him simply because he is my best friend. It doesn't even matter what I am feeling sad about, the fact that I can't talk to him about it is the devastating part. All I can do is send an email. And wait. Who knows when he'll even get time to write back? His only internet connection right now is when he's working.

Thank you for listening to my ranting. I am aware of how infinitely blessed I am, and how this is just a little bump in the road of a wonderful life. It just feels like a huge mountain right at this moment.